Saturday, January 18, 2014

Can Guys and Girls Be Just Friends?

This question was asked on Facebook and I was surprised at the answers written. Many seemed to think yes, they can be just friends. But if they were married then their relationship would have to change. So I wanted to check the scripture and see what God's Word has to say on the subject.
James and I "Just Friends" 

Let's start with the basics. The definition of a friend from Websters Dictionary.

1. One attached to another by affection or esteem; an acquaintance 
2. One that is not hostile; a favored companion
3. A Quaker  

Now let's look at the Bible's definition of a friend:

1. John 15:13 - Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.
           A friend will lay down his life for his friends. Jesus was the ultimate example of a true friend. 

2. Proverbs 27:17 - Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.
          A friend will help grow you towards righteousness, towards Christ. 

3. Proverbs 17:17 - A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.
          A friend will love always. Unconditional Love

I'm going to do this in two parts: 1. The purpose of a friend and friendship 2. And the results/purpose of guy/girl relationships

What is the purpose of a friendship? Well as defined earlier it should draw you closer to the Lord. Friendship should be pure. I looked up Bible verses on friendship and couldn't find any that were between a male and female. The only relationships I found of those of opposite genders were those that resulted in marriage. The purpose of their "friendship" or relationship was marriage. One of the greatest examples of friendship in the Bible, aside from Jesus Christ, was that between David and Jonathan. But that's two men so that doesn't help our discussion.  And I couldn't find any scripture where Jesus had close female friends either...

According to Scientific American, two careful studies of opposite-sex-friendships "suggest that men and women have vastly different views of what it means to be ‘just friends’—and that these differing views have the potential to lead to trouble."(1) 

"Although women seem to be genuine in their belief that opposite-sex friendships are platonic, men seem unable to turn off their desire for something more.”(1)

If a secular study shows that it can be "trouble" should not we as Christians take a more careful approach in our friendships with the opposite genders? What is the purpose of pursuing male/female friendships? To help draw them towards Christ or towards the marriage altar? 

A Personal Perspective:
A good friend of mine once told me, "It is impossible for guys and girls to be just friends. Believe me."
I thought he was crazy. I was only in sixth of seventh grade at the time, but I thought, yeah right what does he know. But years of failed "friendships" that usually turned into relationships, I realized he was right. Guys and girls can't be just friends. Sooner or later one or both would have feelings of affection or attraction toward the other.

Why did I think he was wrong? Because I wanted him to be wrong. If I looked at myself honestly, I would have to admit that I enjoyed the attention a guy would give me. It made me feel secure and special. Why? Because someone found worth in me. I would in turn invest a part of my heart and emotions into that guy friend. I would trust them and we shared a closeness that then turned into an attraction towards one another. I should have filled that desire of a relationship with a closer walk with God.

"Can guys and girls be just friends?" I think of the things friends do together. Hang out, talk on the phone, text, communicate- they get to know each other and care for one another. Friends are a special gift from the Lord and should be chosen wisely. We use the term "friend" so loosely these days. But the kind of "friend" we are discussing is that of a close friend. Not a casual friend that you hang out with on occasion  in groups. The question here is can a guy and girl hang out alone together, text, call, develop a closeness without it ever turning into something more.

In Conclusion:

If you're single, Can you be just friends with a guy one on one?

I personally believe, no, not without it developing into more. And even if it never does turn into a relationship, that doesn't mean there isn't or wasn't an attraction from one or both parties at one time or another. Would it not be better to invest in good solid friendships that can last long past your marriage, meaning with someone of the same gender? Trust me coming from someone who has been there and done that, it just doesn't work. Why not save your heart and emotions completely and fully for your future spouse? You future spouse deserves all of you. Wouldn't you want the same from them? Build towards a life with no regrets. Go to the marriage altar not just physically pure but emotionally pure.

If I could do it all over again, I would surround myself with good godly female friendships. Which is exactly what I did the year I met my husband. If you invest in a lot of relationships of the opposite gender, you are making a pattern for yourself that will be hard to break when you're married. I wish James was the only man I had shared my feelings with and dated. I wish he was my first true male friend. And James wishes the same for me.

For those of us who are married, Can guys and girls be just friends? I don't personally believe so. Like I said earlier, my idea of a friendship is hanging out one on one and texting/calling one another. So absolutely not! That is setting you and your marriage up for trouble. Why would we risk our marriage just because we want to be friends with a person of the opposite gender.

Does this mean we aren't friendly? Not at all. There are lots of male friends I have in relationship with my husband. Would I specifically call them if I had a question, no, I would call his wife. James and I made it clear before we were married, that we would take extra caution in this area. We would never be alone with someone of the opposite gender, never ride in a car alone, etc. Why? Because we value our marriage. We don't want Satan to have an open window for temptation. Does this mean I don't trust my husband or he doesn't trust me? Not at all. It's called boundaries. And we choose to set high boundaries when it comes to our marriage.

Please don't misunderstand me. You can still be friendly towards those of the opposite gender but hanging out one on one, I believe is wrong. You can still pray for one another and be a scriptural friend. You can even hang out in mixed groups if you like. You may have others of the opposite gender that you consider a friend, which is great. As long as it's within the boundaries of a biblical friend, you will be fine.

So what about you? What boundaries do you set for yourself and your marriage? I'm not a scholar on the subject but this is what I believe on the matter. I understand there are cases that this may not apply and you could be the exception. It's between you and the Lord ultimately. Please, don't find any offense in what the Lord has convicted me about and shown me from the scripture. If this offends you, then I apologize. My hope is that this post will shed light on the matter and maybe help a someone take a deeper look at their motives to their friendships. As iron sharpenth iron so a man sharpeneth the counsel of his friend. May we all be better friends one to another. 


  1. Excellent and well thought out. I like the advice that the Apostle Paul gave to the young, single pastor, Timothy. He told him to treat younger women as sisters and older people as fathers and mothers. It might be a good way for young women to look at young men--as brothers. Brother-sister relationships don't involve phone calls and attention. They are more pure friendships. Loved your post and the emphasis on helping people towards a deeper relationship with God.

    1. Thank you, Lou Ann! You are absolutely right. That is another excellent point! I felt like there was so many things I could say about it but tried to keep it simple and basic. This is another great scriptural point. Thank you for sharing!

  2. Excellent post! Thank you for taking a stand and sharing it! I think it is vital to establish clear and biblical boundaries or else risk causing great harm! Great insight!

    1. Thanks, Joe! I appreciate your feedback. I was nervous to write about something that can be so controversy, but through much prayer and study, I did.

  3. Amber,
    I just recently found and started following your blog! This post was a huge encouragement to me! Everything you said was so true. Growing up I didn't have 'guy friends' an it stayed that way until I got to college where I started building some friendships with the opposite gender. I soon realized just what you said, that it's next to impossible to be "just friends" without it developing into more.
    Thank you for sharing!

    1. Hey Sarah,
      Thank you for your feedback and following my blog. I'm one to learn things the hard way! haha I have to find out for myself if something is true. And when I do, I learn from those mistakes and can grow from it. I hope to train my son and children to avoid mistakes like I myself made. Thanks for your insight too! Have a great day!

  4. This is excellent, Amber! Love you!!