Safe in the arms of Jesus...
A year ago today, James and I lost our first baby. I wasn't very far along, so we kept the loss pretty private and to those close friends and family who knew we were expecting. The Lord has laid it on my heart to write a little about it and share my experience.
Miscarriage is very common and happens to a lot of women. They say one in every three pregnancies ends in miscarriage. I was surprised to learn of how common it was after I had miscarried. My miscarriage was between the 5th-6th week and I can only imagine how much harder it would be to lose a baby later in pregnancy. I can't offer any words of wisdom regarding how to go through the loss of a baby; but I can share with you how the Lord brought me through it and share what I learned. I must admit I am a little nervous writing this because it is so personal. However, I hope and pray my post can be a blessing and an encouragement to you.
We were shocked to find out we were expecting a baby and he or she was due in May. It only took what seemed like a moment to go from shocked to super excited. The instant love a mother feels for her baby is unexplainable. And James and I were both so excited to become parents! I had already begun thinking of who the baby would look like, would it be a boy or girl? Would he have daddy's ears or mommy's nose? I couldn't help but smile as I day dreamed about the little life growing inside of me.
Around the end of the fifth week I noticed some spotting. I was determined to not be an overly worried pregnant woman, so I thought it was probably okay. I had read that that was normal and could be implantation bleeding. The next day, I asked my doctor in our church and he calmed my nerves by telling me that it was probably implantation bleeding and to not worry! But the bleeding continued throughout the week. I had come to accept that I was probably losing the baby. I waited until our scheduled doctors appointment on Friday to find out for sure. I still had such high hopes that just maybe everything would be okay with the baby.
As the nurse did the ultrasound, she didn't say anything and was very quiet. This time she didn't print out a photo of our little sack baby and give it to me. Instead she told us to wait in a specific room and the doctor would be in soon. It wasn't a room where we went last time but more of a private sitting room area. I thought this couldn't be good. James and I just sat in silence not wanting to say what was on our minds. I still clung to a little bit of hope that baby was okay. Then reality hit when the doctor confirmed my worst fear, that we had lost our baby.
It was so exciting to tell our friends and family that we were expecting. And it was one of the hardest things to tell them we had lost the baby. I have to admit, I questioned why. Why would the Lord surprise us with this baby and then take the baby home. I had such hope and faith that it was going to be okay. I prayed for my baby to be healthy and safe. Why would the Lord allow us to go through this loss?
To be honest, I don't know why bad things happen or why tragedies come into our lives. I do believe the Lord allows His children to go through difficult times, so we can only look to the God of hope and peace for our strength. As a result, we grow closer to Christ and learn He truly is all we need.
The Lord gave me this verse the day we lost our baby. "...the Lord gave; and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord." Job 1:21 "Blessed be the name of the Lord" kept playing over and over in my head. God is good when times are easy and God is still good when times are hard. Everything good comes from the Lord. He is the giver of life eternal and life physical. Who was I to question my Lord and Savior? He alone knows what is best for my life and I needed to trust Him at this uncertain time.
"Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee, because he trusteth in thee. Trust ye in the Lord forever, for in the Lord Jehovah is everlasting strength. " Isaiah 26:3,4
The Lord gave me these verses that I clung to. In the Lord, I could have peace and everlasting strength. This was the first time I experienced God's grace in a mighty way. He gave me a peace that passeth understanding. And I had to just keep my mind focused on God and His promises. I am so thankful for a loving heavenly Father who promises to always carry us through the storms of life.
To those of you who have gone through a miscarriage, it's okay to be sad and to mourn. I was surprised at the times when I thought I was "okay" that I began to cry and be sad. I remember going to Walmart and tearing up as I passed the baby section. Or months later it would just hit me out of nowhere as I was driving. At these moments, I simply prayed for God's strength and comfort. I couldn't turn to my husband for comfort because he didn't know what I was going through. He could pray with me and be sympathetic but he couldn't take the hurt away. I am so thankful he was by my side each step of the way. But God alone knew my heartache and He alone could give me the comfort and strength I needed. May I encourage you to find your comfort and strength in Christ.
And now a year later, I feel so blessed to be 33 weeks and four days pregnant. God has truly blessed me with a wonderful pregnancy and a healthy baby. Having gone through the loss of a baby, I believe I am even more thankful for this little life growing inside of me. How can I complain when I feel a little sick or tired?! I am thankful for the sickness and fatigue because it means theres a baby on his way! I can't wait to hold him in my arms and see his sweet face and cover it with kisses! I think it's so special the Lord would bless us with this baby. I am so undeserving of such a gift. " Blessed be the name of the Lord!"